It usually happens that MOPS and my bible/book study fall on the same week. Which is fine but it leaves me with alot to think about being that MOPS is all about being a mom and the bible/book study is about being a wife. Both which are hard and nothing easy about them. Being a wife is a full time job in itself , unconditionally loving your man and unconditionally respecting him... really respecting him is where it is at. It is what he need. I never knew this until I started reading the book Love and Respect. You'd have to read it to really get to the root of things. But the further you get into the book it makes you realize that Men need there Women to respect them and Women need there Men to love them. In turn there is a cycle if a women doesn't feel loved she doesn't respect her husband and if the husband doesn't feel respect then he doesn't show his love. Simple as it may seem it is harder to apply to your life than it may seem. It is a crazy cycle. And most of the time one or the other spouse's notice this happening . Some may take action and others might think that it will fix itself. I always come home from my bible/book study feeling guilty and like such and aweful wife. I know I'm not but when we open up for these other women in my group , It exposes your flaws as well as your mans. And might even rub salt in an open wound when it dawns on you that you are in fact in the crazy cycle. I spend alot of mine and Shawn relationship in a cycle. Whether large or small. I usually start them . I know I do i have angry issues i battle everyday. I've had this as long as i can remember. Shawn has helped me control it over the years. But I need to realize before i start the cycle and stop it . Or after i start one to get out of it. It is so hard on a relationship to not get to go on dates but every 6 months. I mean our last date which was half a date was our wedding anniversary, in September. I mean we went to see harry potter but that wasn't a date . That was a movie night. And not to get to spend much time together at all. I love and respect my husband even if half of the time that i don't show him the respect he need or the love he so deserves.
On motherhood. Its such a hard thing. I never realized it till I had one of my own how hard it really is. Growing up you always here people talking on different subjects relating to parenting and raising your kid but you don't realize till you have one of your own the realization of those conversations you heard. I feel like as a mom I don't spend enough time encouraging my sons learning, or even play with him enough. I know this for a fact. I might be home more hours of the day with Caspian but most of them are spent with him asleep. Sad but true. When I get up not only do I have to take care of him i have to take care of the house. Which leads me to neglect a relationship that we both need. Its hard balancing such important things when you know if you pay attention to one thing you neglect all the other things that are important . Sometimes its just hard. Would i rather do the dishes or play with caspian. Would you would you .... need need need. ... There are so many things as a woman that we have to deal with, love, sacrifice and manage... all while trying to maintain a cool. But every now and again your kid does something wrong, or the husband leaves something out of place, or you yourself have neglected to do anything and you snap and some one pays the price.
I have realized that I Tessa \reached a point of snapping. ... There was a very thing rope that was being walked on and at any point on thing or another i might have snaped. I however am working on getting off that very rope. I have been a Christian as long as I can remember. Not always understanding what it meant. Losing my way and stumbling back because as we should know we all need God. It has been YEARS since I have really acknowledge my beliefs in God. I don't know if everyone goes through that but I know I have. Growing up I was made to go to church whether i liked it or not. Eventually I grew to despise the fact the I had to do this. You shouldn't have to go to church every week. I mean you can praise God not at church. I have to admit I don't know everything I am a sinner and many more things. But I do know that I myself need the Lord. It took me having a family to realize that I needed God back in my life. How am I as a person, a women, a wife and a mother supposed to set an example with out God backing me up. Well I wasn't setting an example. I was being selfish thinking that I didn't need God. I know that God has brought the right people into my life to help me. I know that he led me to MOPS and my bible/study. I know that he is guiding me to become a better Tessa. I also know that even when you don't think he's there he is always listening.
Last month my parents and youngest sister came to visit for Caspian's Birthday . It was great but when either mine or Shawn's mother comes to visit, We each get into our own "moods" when they are around. Which put us in one of our little cycles. And then ruins the point of our family coming to visit. I know that I personally have to work on that because Shawn and Caspian are my Family now and my mom and dad and sisters are just blood relatives. Sounds harsh ,but Shawn and Caspian are my family now, i have left the nest so to speak. Following that visit Shawn had a job interview at the big bank here in Pittsburgh, known as PNC. Great right, well a week passes nothing and so on. Till the very last day in which they said they would call. When they called. I think me and Shawn had both worked ourselves to the point that they weren't going to call. I was so nervous and stoked but went about my business while shawn took the call. This job could change everything and we both really need a change for the better. Everything the past year (2010) was pretty negative( besides caspian). As I see shawn walking down the stairs I see nothing in his face or anything. Just looks like shawn . I catch his eye looking for any sign of reenforcement........ nothing..... then to see if i could figure things out from a distance i give him a thumbs up? wait..... and there it is the sign i've been looking for.... A thumbs up... he's got the job.... I am literally jumping for joy inside.... This is what I have been praying for, nearly crying over every night on my way home from work. Asking the Lord to please give us what our family needs. Whether it be that job or not. Just a sign that this is what we need. This is what we need.
Our family can be a family . Hopefully with less stress, less cycles and more love and more family time. This job allows me to quit my job (which is stress full but likable) and become a full time mom with maybe a part time job. I get what I need and shawn will get what he needs too. It allows for me More Caspian time, more Shawn time, More tessa time. But most of all it will give me time I can focus on becoming a better mother, a better wife, a better tessa and most of all a better Christian. But Most of all I thank God . If I hadn't changed my path a year ago at this time. I would be a lost lamb, probably eaten by the wolves. God has shown me the path in which I followed and in return has blessed my family with what we need. Thank you Lord for all that you have given me.
